


Dirty Little Secret

by orphan_account



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon - Book & Movie Combination, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Coming Out, Forced Outing, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Outing, Period-Typical Homophobia, Richie Tozier Comes Out, Slurs, ages compliant to the book, but movie things happened, its complicated but theres no sewer scene so i count it as a win, its more like outing but theres no tag for it and people view the coming out tag way more often, kind of, so their childhood is 1958 and adulthood is 1985, takes place with movie events but book years and dates, technically not but more people will find this with that tag so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:28:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22014133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Pennywise tells the losers about Richie's secret. It doesn't go as well as you'd think.-OR-Me realizing I like Richie's character so much because i relate to it and putting all of my emotions into this story in order to get better writing because recently I've been worrying about coming out and how most affects of it might be negative.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 18
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so if you're reading this, thanks for checking out this story! It means a lot and I would just like to put a !TW! here for homophobia, homophobic slurs (such as the f-slur, the q-slur, etc.), internalized homophobia, and self-deprecating thoughts. Thanks for clicking this and enjoy the angst.

Richie saw his memory. He didn't like it, sure, but he still watched it. It felt so foreign, yet he knew that he'd had this experience. For one, he was watching it, but also, he felt those emotions, too. He felt every word that most people had probably called him by then. _Fag, queer, flamer, faggot, fairy._ The scariest thing for him was that these were true, and he knew it all too well. That _R+E_ in the bridge sure isn't very hetero, now is it? But It was the '80s, and he was currently a 38-year-old closeted gay man standing in a town so close-minded that he knew it could never handle him. He could never tell them the truth. 

When Bowers screamed, Richie knew he was fucked. This was his death-date and even 11-year-old him knew it. It rang through his ears and didn't stop echoing in his mind. _"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, FAGGOT!"_ It seemed to shout, unrelenting. Henry screamed something else that Richie didn't quite make out and made a mad dash. Adult Richie watched with a somber expression. He didn't quite remember what came next but he felt fear. He felt like it was something he'd seen before, which it was.

The Paul Bunyan statue attacked, and with a few mumbles of, _"this isn't real, this isn't real,"_ from his younger self, it was over. Everything was gone. He was here again, everything's fine.

Then he got the invite to his own funeral and heard the dreadful sound of Pennywise.

"Did you miss me, Richie?" It spoke as he jumped back and faced it. "...Because I missed you..." It said again, that fake frown on it's smug face. "No one wants to play with the clown anymore..." It said, faking a moment of consideration. "Play a game with me, would you? How about street fighter? Oh, yes, you like that one, don't you," It said, faking innocence as Richie stood there with a gaping month. It laughed. "...Or maybe..." It paused, possibly for dramatic effect. "Truth or dare?" Richie closed his mouth and stumbled back, stuttering. "Oh, you wouldn't want anyone to pick truth though, would you, Richie?" It said, smiling. That stupid, sadistic smile. It started flying towards him with an upside-down pyramid of red balloons as it spoke again. "You wouldn't want anyone to know what you're hiding," it laughed.

_"I know your secret, your **dirty little secret.** Oh, I know your secret, your **DIRTY. LITTLE. SECRET,"**_ It sang, spitting all the while. Richie stood there in shock, wanting to run, wanting to hide, anything but this. "Should I tell them, Richie?" It taunted, smiling. Richie took a deep breath and closed his eyes, muttering, "This isn't happening, this isn't _real._ It isn't real, it isn't happening," He exhaled and opened his eyes, but Pennywise jumped at him, causing him to scream and flee. "Come back and play! Come back and play with the clown," he heard distantly as it dragged on the last 'play' and 'clown', it's face distorting, just like normal. Except this wasn't normal. This was real.

\---

When Richie got to the townhouse, all he wanted to do was leave. Those words echoed in his mind more than Henry's statement, although it wasn't exactly gone either.

_**DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. DIRTY LITTLE SECRET. FAGGOT. GET THE FUCK OUT. QUEER. FAIRY. FAG.** _

_**DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.**_ He stomped up the stairs.

 _**DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.**_ He started packing.

 _ **DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.**_ He thought of ways to get out while dragging his luggage. He figured they definitely didn't want to be near a dirty faggot anyways.

_**DIRTY LITTLE-** _

"What are you doing Richie?"

He turned around. There stood Ben, concerned as all hell. Richie looked him up and down before replying, "I'm getting out of fucking dodge, just like I said," Richie started to leave when Ben put his arm in the way. "No you're not, you made a promise," he stated. "Yeah, well, can I un-promise?" Richie responded, sarcasm dripping from his tone. Ben gave him a look before they heard Bev scream, making Ben follow immediately, dragging Richie along. "Are you okay Bev- OH MY GOD," Ben screamed when he saw Eddie. Richie ran over without Ben mumbling words like, "Eddie, Eddie, oh god don't die, I didn't get to tell you..," They all wondered when it would- "...that I fucked your mom last night," There it is. Eddie did a side-eye type look and said, "Bowers is in my room," As blood soaked his shirt.

Bowers left his room through the window, as evident by the broken pane. They were so screwed.

\---

Eddie got patched up and the Loser's club was together currently, taking a small walk break on the street to calm their nerves. It was only then when Richie spotted a red balloon. Then another. Then another. There were hundreds of red balloons in the sky and attached was a clown, slowly floating down. It stood and stared at them, Richie it particular, before cracking it's infamous smile. "You never answered my question, Richie," it said. "Should I tell them? Should I tell them your **_DIRTY LITTLE SECRET_**?" It asked, rhetorically. "What's it talking about, Rich?" Richie couldn't place who said that, but he didn't respond. His face has gone pale and he couldn't speak. He was too scared.

"Is that a yes?" it asked. "Or a no," it's face dropped into an over exaggerated frown. "You aren't responding, and your secret rests in my hands, but oh, how horribly they'd think of you? They're smart-mouth loser friend, Richie? A dirty little qu-" It cut itself off. "But you wouldn't like that would you? No... That's why it's _your_ dirty secret." It said, grinning like a maniac.

Richie's palms went clammy. He tried to tell it to stop, but he couldn't get it out. He tried to say no but it wouldn't let him. This much be how Bill felt. "Does your silence mean yes?" it asked. The losers listened intently, save for the occasional snappy banter. "Whatever it is, we don't care!" Richie heard Bill say without a stutter, trying to seem brave. They were adults after all. 

It smiled. A manic, sadistic smile. "Oh, but you will, when you find out Richie Tozier is a dirty." Richie's heart pounded more with every word. " _Little."_ Richie's palms grew clamier. " _Flaming._ " It said, almost satisfied. Richie's stomach did a somersault, but he just stood there, waiting, like a coward. " _ **FAGGOT!**_ " Pennywise yelled. Richie started panic. He didn't think Pennywise would say it. That it would be just another useless tease. He looked behind him...

And was faced with looks of utter absolute disgust.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Losers try to deal with what It just told them, but not everyone is fully accepting. Mike is always there to lend a helping hand, however.

Richie saw their faces and immediately turned back around. Pennywise laughed as Richie felt their disgusted looks burning through his back, heating up his face with shame. He shakily got up to his feet. "This isn't real," Richie started to mumble, closing his eyes. "None of this is real," he said under his breath as he opened then. Nothing changed. Richie just inhaled sharply and ran away. Ran far away, past the townhouse, past everything, straight into the library. Ben always talked about going here when he wanted to escape, and Richie for sure did about now. The door opened. Richie put his head down. "Rich?" he heard Mike call out. "Are you oka-" he was cut off by his own scream.

Richie's head shot up as he ran to the noise, only to see Bowers on top of Mike, trying to stab him. Richie did the first thing that came to mind and grabbed the axe off of the wall and swung. Bowers was dead.

"Well that was long overdue," he said, trying to break up the tension. Mike didn't laugh. Richie looked around awkwardly, trying to explain his joke before promptly throwing up. A lot. Mike got up, panicking, trying to help him out. "My god, Richie, are you okay?" he asked, which was answered by coughing. Richie wiped his mouth and looked at Mike. "I can leave if you don't want to be around me," Richie muttered, soon continuing. "You know, because of that..." he said. Mike looked confused for a sec, before realization struck his face.

Looking at Richie, Mike shook his head. "Richie, I could care less if you like boys or not," he said. "I just think you should talk to the others. Eddie told me he was gonna try and reason with them."

Richie looked at Mike, feeling accepted, before his face dropped as he realized what would come next. He nodded his head.

\---

They walked to the townhouse in silence. Mike opened the door to find all of them standing there, but the look on their faces were different. Instead of judgmental, they had that 'I'll-try-to-understand-but-i-still-don't-really-get-it-quite-yet' look. All of them...

...Except Eddie.

Eddie had a look on his face that Richie couldn't quite place, and he didn't know what to make of that. He hoped it was good, considering what Mike had said about Eddie trying to calm them down earlier. 

Without addressing the "issue" that the other losers seemed to think was such a big deal, Richie told them what had happened in the library, with Bowers dying and all. No response. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Richie laughed awkwardly as he made a remark he seemed to think was witty. "No more 'your mom' jokes for me I guess." The tension somehow got thicker.

It felt like thousands of eyes were burning into his skin, melting to the bone, and the worst part was that he felt ashamed. He felt ashamed of who he was. Richie sighed, waiting for someone to finally speak. It took nearly five minutes before Bill tried to speak up for the rest of the group. "S-S-Stan's not here, b-but I think he'd want us to sup-su-support y-you. I s-still don't q-quite know t-too much about it a-and I don't think I'll e-ever un-understand it but I-I'll try my best to r-respect you," he said, forcing a smile. 

It was probably fake, but he could learn. Everyone could learn to get past the burning stares and the cold grins. Eventually, that is. Bev nodded along with what Bill said, faking the same smile, but her eyes burned into Richie. Eyes spoke what you couldn't. Ben, however, Ben was a different story.

Ben looked at Richie, then back at Bev and Bill, then back at Richie, walking up and giving him a hug. A genuine hug with a genuine smile. Richie accepted it as he smiled, too. 

Then came Eddie. Eddie looked at Richie long and hard with an unreadable expression on his face. Richie expected him to go on a rant about AIDs or something and how ' _You can get it on a rusty subway pole, blah, blah, blah.'_ But he didn't. Instead, like Ben, he walked up to Richie. Once he got close enough, he smiled and came in for a hug.

"I'm proud of you, man," he said. Richie returned the hug.

And for the first time in his life, Richie felt, for the most part, a feeling he'd never felt before. A feeling that was relieving, a feeling that enveloped him in a blanket of emotional warmth. Although he didn't feel it fully and had never felt it before anyways, he knew what this was called.

Richie felt accepted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I just see so many fanfic writers make everyone fully supportive, but that's fairly rare for people who grew up when they did. Bev being one of them was inspired by how, in the scene that shall not be named, she told Eddie that he needed this, a point that implies sexuality issues, which Bev was shown to struggle with. Bill was also one of them mainly because he's low-key kind of stupid. Mike and Ben are just being the nice boys they are, and Eddie is obvious.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading once again and I hope my writing has improved. This story was mainly made for me to vent but I hope it might've let you find a place to vent as well. Thank you and have a great day or night, girls, boys, and all you beautiful nonbinary folk out there! Take care and if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here.


End file.
